


Insanity

by tocasia



Series: Our Shining Past [19]
Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: #sailthecosmos, AU, Dark, Gen, I reject your reality and substitute my own, Insanity, Memories, Mind Games, Sephiroth and Zack friendship, Sleep talking, back in my day, cities built out of seashells, dreams or maybe not, possibly disturbing, real villains have mothers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 18:03:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11788521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tocasia/pseuds/tocasia
Summary: Things have been... strange, lately.But now I'm here with youSo don't worry.(72. insanity) for Seph&Zack Friendship 100 Themes





	Insanity

Zack walked the short distance to Sephiroth's office. Had Seph also received a notice that the fancy upper level cafeteria was closing? Hopefully it was a false alarm. He passed a nervous secretary in the hall. She could overhear, so he'd have to be formal.

"General Sephiroth, Sir."

Sephiroth looked up to greet him, but didn't meet his eyes. It was odd. He stared straight at where Zack's voice was, instead.

"You're dead, Zack."

What? Had he heard that right? "Sir?"

Sephiroth nodded to himself. "You're dead... and I miss you." He went back to sorting through the papers on his desk.

Okay, that was disturbing. If it was a joke, it was _not_ funny. By now Zack was pretty good at detecting Seph's mindgames. It was a survival skill. He might be the world's foremost expert at it, possibly the only one. He didn't find any of the signs, but there was no way to be sure without more information, and he couldn't cause a scene with that secretary outside....

"Sorry for the interruption, Sir. I'll leave you to your work."

Before he got to the door, Zack heard Sephiroth say, "That's right... you did leave... but it wasn't your fault."

* * *

The secretary was still there.

"Has he been like this all day?" Zack asked her.

"I don't know," her gaze darted to his insignia, "Lieutenant General, Sir. My clearance only just came through today."

So, she was new. To her, 'like this' would mean 'working hard in the office'. Nothing out of the ordinary. He looked at the stack of folders she carried. Yes, they were for Sephiroth's desk. This was part 4 of... 55. Sweet Shiva.

"You should take those in to him."

"Yes, Sir."

Zack watched and listened from the hallway. The secretary made the appropriate formalities and balanced the folders skillfully atop the others in the inbox. Sephiroth thanked her in that polite way of his and continued to sign things. She left, looking more confident already. Sephiroth seemed not to have sensed Zack spying on him.

That was strange. Zack decided to retreat, for now.

He was too distracted by what Sephiroth had said to get anything done. Seph usually liked it when Zack _did_ get work done, so he probably hadn't meant to... Ha! Sephiroth not meaning to do something? Sure. Right. Zack would just have to wait and find out why.

* * *

Later, Sephiroth arrived in his office and asked with a straight face why Zack hadn't bothered him today. Unbelievable!

Zack thought fast. He knew this wouldn't be good enough, but... "There was just no time, Seph. SOLDIER applications are pouring in. I'm completely swamped."

Sephiroth glanced from Zack to the overflowing inbox and then back at him with... sympathy? Then he departed without saying anything.

Had Sephiroth really accepted that answer? The deadline for those applications wasn't for another two months. What the hell, Seph? What are you trying to do?

* * *

Private Alvarez sighed. Another boring, peaceful day behind the desk. There was nothing wrong with that. He'd sustained a complex injury to his shoulder in training and couldn't return to active duty until it healed. Luckily, they'd given him this temporary position. He'd made sure to be here early to show his gratitude. He heard footsteps outside, so he sat up straight in his chair to look professional.

General Sephiroth came into the office. The actual General himself, in person. He was, to put it mildly, intimidating.

"Do we have anyone in SOLDIER named Cloud Strife?"

He checked the database. "No, Sir."

"In the infantry?"

He checked again, thankful for the search function. "No, Sir."

"...maybe I made the name up..." the General said quietly before he left.

Alvarez saluted his back. Normality returned to the room, if not the day.

Alvarez blinked incredulously. Hadn't the General already known the answers to those questions? Had it been some kind of test? The General hadn't seemed disappointed. He must've passed, then.

* * *

It was late afternoon. So far, today was much better than yesterday. Seph was talking to him.

"Zack."

"Yeah, Seph?" Zack made a show of studying some forms.

He waited.

Seph should have said something by now. Uh oh. He had the far away look.

"She had sensible gardening boots and a pink ribbon in her hair with a green stone. The girl you bought that flower from." He pointed to it on Zack's desk.

"How do you know about her? I never told you that."

"You didn't? But you must have... "

Zack accepted the mission to distract his friend. Seph would probably tease him for it, and he wanted the answer, anyway. "So if you know her, can you tell me her name?" He winked for effect.

"It doesn't matter."

"Seph, what is going on here? You've been acting strange lately. Stranger than usual. Stop messing with me already."

There was a pause.

"Zack... could you win against me in a fight?"

What was this all of a sudden? Embarrassed and angry, Zack replied, "No! We spar every week and I have never once beaten you. You know that and you're proud of it! Why rub it in?"

"I didn't mean it that way."

He turned to go without explaining further. Zack stared out the door after him. Sephiroth not meaning something. Sure. Right.

Zack watched from the window as the sun went down.

* * *

There was too much paperwork this morning. Sephiroth glared at it. He had a responsibility to read through it, but he'd rather set it on fire.

His second-in-command poured himself another cup of the freshly brewed coffee before he'd even gotten a taste. Sephiroth scowled from his chair.

"Seph, maybe you should take it easy today. You look worn out."

"Go away, Zack. Before you drink the whole damn pot."

Zack shrugged and removed himself from his office.

Ugh. The coffee was terrible. He should've let Zack have it.

His random mission today was training the Firsts. They were not responsible for the sad state of the coffee, so he tried to regain his composure as he took the replica sword from its wall brackets. It could still be a nice day.

* * *

He felt a wrongness on the field, chalked it up to stress. Zack's words had been kind, but he had work to do.

The SOLDIERS were early as instructed. He would not be made to wait for them.

They drew lots for his first match.

Jennifer was his opponent. After returning from the war, he'd decided to learn the names of the Firsts again since they were now unlikely to die the moment he let them out of his sight. So many lost! And for what?

He blocked Jennifer's attack. She favored a heavy saber; its weight didn't slow her at all.

How fast was she, really? He picked up the pace of their practice duel. She noticed the compliment right away and smiled.

Dodge, parry. She didn't try to overpower him or wear him down. No, she was smart, taking each small advantage she could. Jennifer paid attention to spacing, staying mobile with no reckless approaches. Circling, looking for openings, but not idling more than necessary. Control of information. She watched him watch her.

Impressive. He narrowed his focus and increased speed. Her surprise showed in her eyes, the way her next move did not. She kept up with him longer than he expected, but she was tiring. Running out of stamina would get her injured. He should call a stop to this.

No. Show me what you can do. Faster.

She wasn't smiling now. Exertion forbade it. She fought wildly, desperately. When had he lost awareness of the spectators that must surround them? Had they been cheering before? Now it was silent except for the distorted sounds of battle. Were they afraid, as they ought to be?

He allowed his own smile to be wicked. Her name didn't matter anymore. He should call a stop to this...

His blade grazed her right knee. She didn't flinch or give any indication she'd felt it. Terror and the survival instinct would not defer to pain.

He knew that look.

Herald of his victory.

He loved it.

Loved when it would fade...

Some part of his mind screamed at him to stop. Louder than the fiery cries of the Mako had ever been, it drowned out the rage.

What was he _doing?_

With his moment of clarity, he thrust his sword deep into the earth so that he couldn't easily pull it free again. He maintained a death grip with both hands on the hilt, so he'd be unable to... do what? No. He refused to acknowledge the lethal options he still had.

"I yield." He had to force himself to say it.

Jennifer's saber slashed along his left pauldron, a glancing blow. Good, she had a name. There was only that single unchecked attack when he'd yielded so suddenly. _She_ hadn't lost control. She declared the end of what couldn't rightfully be called a practice duel anymore.

"Well fought, SOLDIER."

Yes, they did have an audience. Someone had even renewed the Wall spell around the bleachers.

He continued quietly. The other Firsts would hear, but that was acceptable. "You are to report to Lieutenant General Fair in his office as soon as you've recovered enough to do so. You will tell him what happened here today. A full report. Do not excuse my actions. Include what I have said."

"Yes, sir."

"The rest of you! Salute your hero of the hour. Honor her prowess."

Applause and cheers.

"Clear the field, you are dismissed. You, too! Get out of here!"

Blessedly alone, minutes passed before he trusted himself to release his hands. He left the sword where it was, piercing the ground, and went to sit on the bleachers to think.

He'd lost control. He was a danger to his own troops.

He let his hair fall over his eyes, but he couldn't hide his shame from himself.

* * *

Zack closed his office door and leaned back against it. He'd heard Jennifer's report. This was serious. It went beyond Seph's usual mindgames.

His friend had been acting so strange.

Seph probably knew. And knew that Zack had noticed it first. And trusted him to figure this out....

Which meant the report was more than it seemed. A warning? Sephiroth might be suggesting that he confront the possibility that...

It happened sometimes in SOLDIER, from the Mako treatments. The madness no one wanted to talk about. There were safeguards in place to prevent it: the intense physical training required by the program, the evaluations, the trial injections. In most cases that was all that could be done. Once it took hold, only drastic measures remained.

Gaea, was that why he'd asked if Zack could best him in combat?

'Do not excuse my actions.' Sephiroth's words.

He took out his phone. Maybe Hojo could help in the early stages. Seph, at least, was on good terms with the Professor. He'd listen.

"I'd like to speak to Professor Hojo. It's urgent."

"Fair. To what do I owe this interruption?" He sounded irritated. Zack heard a scream in the background. Human, animal, monster, he couldn't identify the source. Zack didn't want to know. It wasn't important.

"It's General Sephiroth. Something is wrong. He hasn't been himself, lately. He's given me reason to believe that he thinks..."

* * *

In the evening, outside Zack's apartment...

"Let me get this straight. _You_ are telling me that your apartment is _too cold?_ Damn, Seph, after last month when we went snowboarding out of Icicle and I was shivering and you gave me your actual coat and stood there shirtless and said you were fine?"

Seph insisted that it was.

"Okay, you can stay here at my place. Pick your spot on the couch." Zack said. That way he could keep an eye on his friend. Hopefully Hojo had listened to him....

They'd watch chocobo racing. The coverage could be relied upon to last all night, and eventually it would get repetitive enough to fall asleep to.

"Your team did well last week, but tonight my best racer is there. Number 6, the red one."

Sephiroth said, "Chocobos?"

Zack had anticipated a witty retort. Not this. The far away look was back.

"There aren't any left... I.... That's a good idea, Zack. There will be chocobos."

He didn't know what to do this time.

Sephiroth watched intently for a while, but he didn't cheer when his team won, because he was asleep.

The sight of Seph curled up on a couch with his guard down while chocobo racing ads flickered across the screen would be cute if Zack wasn't so worried. He took the remote from the coffee table and turned the tv off, then went to his own room. He'd sleep lightly, in case something happened.

* * *

Zack had bad dreams. Not surprising, really. He decided to try to be cheerful anyway.

"Morning Seph. You should try this new chocolate cereal, it's really good. Whoa, you look awful! Even worse than you should from sleeping on that couch."

"Zack?" He was only partially awake. "Zack, I had a dream I burned down Nibelheim."

Uh oh. Play it cool, play it cool... "Oh, I've had those." It was sort of correct.

Seph said, "It's good to know someone else dreams about burning it, too."

Dammit. He'd better tell the truth.

"No, I mean... I dreamt about _you_ burning it down."

"What?"

"It was so messed up, too. I know you hate fixing that reactor every time it breaks, but damn. You turned the town into an inferno, like something out of Wu... " Zack managed not to finish the word. Well done, Zack!

But Seph didn't appear to have noticed. That was unheard of. Zack half expected to be banished from his own apartment for saying even that much. Sephiroth did not like to talk about Wutai. Zack wished he would. Zack wanted to, sometimes.

Zack ran a hand through his spikes, nervously. "...Sorry. I know that didn't help. I think you should talk to Hojo, Seph, about what's been happening."

Relief shone on the General's face. So, Sephiroth knew he'd connected the dots. It was tragic. "You think it's serious then. You wouldn't suggest that, otherwise."

"Yes."

"Then I will."

* * *

Sephiroth stepped off the elevator onto the 68th floor. If he wasn't already too far gone, he'd help develop the treatment.

Today, the lab's white-tiled halls reminded him of his childhood, when he was very young and had overheard his parents discussing his progress. Hojo was his father, and Lucrecia his mother, but he wasn't supposed to know that, so he acted like he didn't. It would compromise the project and their positions in the Company. He had to protect them. He regretted his silence when they told him Lucrecia had died.

After that, the other scientists treated him like the experiment he was, but Hojo was never cruel to him.

Never?

He was strapped to the table. Were they trying to create an ultimate soldier with the powers of the Ancients, as they claimed, or were they devising new methods of torture? He wondered what the research proposal said, if one existed. Maybe they simply did to him whatever their twisted minds could dream up. They were quite creative. The sound of his own screams was familiar.

No, that can't be right. Restrained? The procedures were explained to him and he'd consented, accepting the challenge to become stronger. There had been nothing so... extreme. Had there?

They drugged him (they had to if they wanted to live) and tossed him into the _tiny_ cell which could only generously be called austere. He wished for other surroundings. War promised to be paradise, or at least more interesting. As was done to him, he was instructed to do to others, violence without remorse. They tried to break him and failed; their efforts gave him such wonderful insight. He vowed that when he was free, he would....

There was blood all over the walls. It was gone when he blinked, but also still there, ready to be real again.

He remembered the Mako injections. The screams in his mind, louder than his own, attacking his self. Fire in his veins, along every nerve, threatening to dissolve him into insubstantiality. He wished he could inflict that pain back upon his tormenters. One day, he would.

Was that here in HQ, or was it in another lab, somewhere else? He didn't remember. That's how bad it must have been.

What about the scars? How many would he have, if he did not heal quickly? They'd hidden their sins by design.

Hojo had done those things to him. Hojo had given the orders. He had watched. He had _laughed._

So that was the reason he had come here.

* * *

He found Hojo peering at the specimen elevator. It was empty.

"Professor Hojo. I wish to speak with you." He kept his voice calm. A masterful performance, to be sure.

"Lab 14."

Hojo was glad to see him. That never boded well. It made him sick.

He followed Hojo to the assigned room.

As soon as they were both inside, door closed, Sephiroth flung Hojo violently against the far wall. He heard nothing break. Disappointing. No matter. He was blocking the only exit.

"Sephiroth..."

"Don't you mean Specimen S, Professor? Did you finally decide I have a name? If this is all it took, I should have done it years ago. I will never forgive you." All pretense had faded. It was a snarl.

"What are you talking about?"

"You plead _ignorance?_ Allow me to... enlighten you."

Masamune answered his call, came to his side to join in his wrath. Hojo's terror betrayed him. He expected to die. Appropriate.

"War, its destroyer, knows humanity is nothing sacred. And yet, with the rest of SOLDIER, I fought to save mine. The loss of that false ideal is not what I mourn. What was taken from me, what was hidden from me, was _truth_. You withheld it, dooming yourself, because you were _afraid_."

Why was Hojo so confused? Would he not admit his guilt? Would he steal away this satisfaction also?

Sephiroth moved Masamune's tip closer to Hojo's throat, ready to draw blood. "You will pay for your lies."

Hojo closed his eyes and spoke his last words. "I should have listened to Fair."

Now he was the one confused. Ha! He hadn't thought it still possible! Interesting. What might this 'Fair' have said?

Like everything else, he knew the answer.

Zack had told Hojo something was wrong. Zack had also said Sephiroth should talk to Hojo.

 _This_ wasn't what he'd meant.

Oh.

"Yes, you should have."

* * *

Hojo waited. He felt the cold point of metal on his neck, perfectly steady, eternal. If he was to die here, at least it would be at the hands of a master. It might even be an honor to be killed by Sephiroth over something personal. Even if he didn't know what it was.

He found he regretted very little. He was proud of his work and the choices he'd made. Lucrecia would understand. Or maybe she would blame him. He'd done the best he could for his son. Where had he gone wrong? Sephiroth seemed to hate him with heavenly fury, believed he'd hidden the truth (which he never had), and displayed a need for revenge disproportionate to anything Hojo could have possibly done to him.

He could no longer feel Masamune's gentle touch on his skin.

After such a righteous speech, Hojo doubted that Sephiroth would change his mind. Was it to be a more painful end? Although, there'd be nothing to compare it to, would there?

"Hojo. Open your eyes."

He did. The sword was gone. Sephiroth seemed different.

"Can you stand, Professor?"

"What do you think, General?"

Sephiroth looked at him, at the room. There was no sign that he comprehended the situation. Fascinating. Horrifying.

"I came to ask for help. Things have been... strange lately."

A more accurate observation than you know! Hojo kept his face blank. "What sort of help?"

"First, something to help me sleep. With rest, I may be able to discover what else."

What an opportunity! Hojo regained a small shred of hope. His imminent demise was less certain now. He could fix this. It would be delicate work, but he wasn't one to waste second chances.

Hojo said, "Yes... that might be a good idea. You could stay here so we can monitor you overnight...."

"NO!" His reaction startled them both. "I have another place to stay. I'm sure you understand."

Sephiroth stormed out. No one could stop him if they tried.

"No, I don't understand, Sephiroth, not at all...."

Shaking, Hojo picked up the pieces of his thoughts. Fair had called yesterday, but Fair worried too much. Hojo hadn't taken the warning to heart because he'd stupidly wanted to deny the possibility of... this. How had it progressed so quickly? He should have had more time to find a solution! Hojo laughed. Sephiroth had always exceeded expectations. Evidently, that also extended to insanity. If he made a note of it, would there be anyone left to read it tomorrow? He laughed some more.

* * *

Sephiroth paced back and forth in front of Zack's apartment. Hmm.

Zack opened the door.

"So how did it go? Was Hojo able to help?"

"I don't remember. He wanted me to stay there overnight. I refused."

"Okaaay..." Zack seemed surprised but sympathetic. That's right, Zack didn't like the labs. "Come in, then."

Sephiroth claimed his spot on the couch. Zack's tv was running a documentary about the Junon cannon. Scarlet called it the Sister Ray, and she'd received permission in the last meeting to make it official. So within the month they'd paint that name on it. And this show would be obsolete.

_Like President Shinra?_

Jenova's voice? She sent him an image of President Shinra's bloody corpse pinned to the conference table by Masamune. He didn't think he would do that. Was that something she wanted to happen or something she thought had already happened? It was suddenly very important for him to know. Oh, but... for her there was no difference. She caught on to his fear, though, soothed him, told him everything was fine. It would've worked better if Mother understood _what_ he feared. She didn't understand the concept of insanity.

He'd pay attention to the documentary for a while, instead. But the cannon... reminded him of something...

"Zack, do we have VR training rooms?"

"No, but that would be cool."

Jenova sent him more images. She was trying to help him remember. He did his best to block them out.

No, Mother, that's not even like the other ones! _That_ never happened. I was always alone before I met Zack.

_It could have._

"It didn't." He'd spoken aloud....

"What? Seph, maybe you should get some rest."

"You're probably right."

Sephiroth picked up the remote and turned off the tv. Zack left to go to bed.

Not like the other ones? He'd said it himself and he had no idea what it meant. Should he recognize other images, other memories, as things that _had_ happened? If Jenova knew the answer she'd just wonder why he didn't. She was not a good reality check, even at the best of times. His thoughts went in circles until he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Sephiroth woke refreshed. He didn't think it was because he was getting used to sleeping on Zack's couch. Something was familiar, something that didn't belong here. It was... He recognized the feeling that he enjoyed too much, that of being the only one alive in some radius. Like in Wutai, on the battlefields after his victories....

But Zack was here, smiling. "Oh hey Seph. Did you know you talk in your sleep?"

Overcome with dread he didn't understand, Sephiroth asked, "What did I say?"

"Some kinda formula, didn't recognize it."

Rushing to the window before he realized he'd gotten up, he beheld his unknown fears confirmed. "Midgar is on fire. Where are the screams?"

Scorched streets cracked and buildings melted. From all directions and none, heat shimmered across glowing glass. The air itself combusted and died, only to reignite, reborn, to devour the city in silent, ephemeral flames. Impossibly hot. Somehow, he knew there was nowhere for the blaze to spread. It was already everywhere. The whole Planet was burning, because he had....

He didn't care right now who heard him talk to her. "Mother, is Pluto even a planet?"

_It was._

"Seph, calm down! There is no fire!" Zack was suddenly by his side, hand resting reassuringly on his arm.

No fire? "Zack, I think I am losing my mind."

Sephiroth felt his friend's open agreement, though Zack tried to hide it. It hurt.

"Esuna on me. Now."

Zack did as he was told. The comforting waves of the spell washed over him. So why didn't the confusion fade like it should? Why did his surroundings slip away, instead?

* * *

Because... you are....

He flew with no need of wings above the ruins of Midgar and watched in triumph as red vortices of destruction, the aftermath of Meteor, twisted and tore deep into the earth. Moments previous, though also an eternity ago, he had taken the spirit energy of all life on the Planet into himself. Only their memories remained, their whispering souls forever a part of him. He was everything; all knowledge was his. God they called him, because he commanded it. Was it true that the Planet would soon collapse into shards of inert rock, ground to dust by his ambition? He found his casual curiosity about the death of an entire world amusing. There was no one to hear his laughter.

"Did I do this?"

There was nothing he could not do. His cycle of rebirth had never been broken. The pain had dulled with each repetition; surprise turned to joy, to expectation and then to certainty that he would always return. Ultimately the fight against him was hopeless. He remembered vividly (as he remembered everything), to his grim satisfaction, all other living things dying in agony for his glory, gifting him with Godhood, ecstasy everlasting.

"I wanted this?"

He'd originally wanted to rule, not annihilate. In the beginning, the fulfillment of his dream had come so late that there wasn't enough left of the Lifestream to share. But, when he took what there was, he discovered that his options were infinite. There had been a _before_ his ascension, and for just an instant an _after_. In the end, there is only _for all time_ , his control over reality absolute.

"No, this must be a hallucination."

No one knew of that earlier, difficult, wasteful path he'd traveled; he'd made it truth that he'd succeeded on the first attempt, with Meteor, when the Lifestream still flowed in abundance. The realities in which he was not God did not exist, consumed to fuel his unending conquest. Nothing was sweeter than that power, worthy sustenance for his transcendent will.

"What is real?" he asked himself, as he had many times previously in this cold space between the stars, on his long journey, knowing he could _always_ change the answer.

I've never had to worry.

Because... I am...

* * *

...the one who decides.

"Good morning General Sephiroth Sir!" No one but Zack spoke his title in that cheerful teasing way. It was nice. "You slept late."

"...?" Sephiroth looked around. He was sprawled on the carpet in Zack's apartment without his usual grace. Someone should vacuum that floor. Ugh. "Why didn't you wake me earlier?"

Zack blinked at the question. "Because of what happened last time I tried that. And you were talking in your sleep. That's always worth hearing."

"What did I say?"

"Just the usual stuff, like 'Why did the Ancients build cities out of giant seashells?'"

"That's usual?"

"You're a pretty weird guy, Seph."

So maybe he hadn't.... Maybe it was all a dream?

"Zack?"

"Yeah?"

"Tell me honestly. What was the craziest thing that happened within the past week?"

Zack didn't take long to reply. "Let's see, I think it was... the annual paintball tournament between the SOLDIERS and Turks..."

Hmm. He should have remembered. He listened carefully to Zack's story so that he would.


End file.
